Addiction

It really is an addiction, isn't it? Today I saw you twice, I got that amazing radiant smile both times. By all rights, I should be happy. A year ago? I would have been happy.

But here I am, sipping a double bourbon, because I know I won't see you again until tomorrow. At least. Because it's not enough, not nearly enough, not anymore.

Because it's an addiction. I'm addicted to you. I need more. I will always need more.

God. I don't see any way out. No way at all. Not that I want one, but shit, man. You're right there… always. I can't imagine either one of us moving for at least six years. Six more years. Trying to fight this thing? Trying to not fucking just love you? I can't do it. Fuck, I know I can't do it, I've already failed. I failed two years ago. You're all I even think about anymore… all I've thought about for two fucking years (lol, at least that long… jesus I can't even remember when I started falling…).

Do you know, I tell you I love you, every single day. Look into your eyes, in your tiny little eyes in your tiny little FB profile photo in Messenger, and tell you that I love you. Every night, the last thing I do before going to sleep. You're always there, always active as I'm drifting off. So I tell you I love you. Because I do. God. I love you, so fucking much. More than I think I've ever loved anyone, ever, except maybe… maybe my kids. God. Will I ever get to tell you, for real? I accidentally activated “vanish mode” last night. I didn't even know it existed. Christ. I typed it out. I typed “I love you” in vanish mode and then I laid there in bed looking at it… knowing the truth of it… knowing that it was everything. Knowing I couldn't send it. Erased it. Got out of the app while I still had the strength to stop myself.

What are we going to do? What can we do?

And when can I get another fix?